letting go
by purplepotatopig
Summary: takes place during and after "clash of the titans" so expect spoilers. its an attempt at closure beyond the goodbyes...special shout-out to sydnew for encouraging me to post...
1. Chapter 1

_I've been stewing on this for a whole week, since the last ep. It's been a frustrating week of writing and re-writing, doubting and second-guessing. But as advised by Sydnew, here it is. I've let go, let the story take shape the way it has. And that's why it's titled as such._

_As ever, I don't own Eureka, or any of its characters. It has just brought out the writer in me...and I will always be a fan._

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><p><em><strong>LETTING GO<strong>_

Jo was staring at the document package marked URGENT on her desk. It was already on her table when she arrived this morning and she had been staring at it for, Jo looked at her watch, close to an hour now.

She knew what it was. It came from Senator Wen's office. She just couldn't bring herself to open it yet. Or call in the person whose signature on it would make it final and official.

"_If ever I stay in Eureka…"_

Two weeks ago she and Zane had that talk outside Café Diem. That conversation has kept her awake most nights. The thought of Zane possibly leaving Eureka, leaving _her_…

Stop! She forcibly swallowed that creeping feeling of panic and loss. _He is not leaving me. It wasn't like we're together or anything. I've always made that clear to Zane._

This was her own doing anyway. It was her idea that a pardon would make it possible for Zane to join the Astraeus mission…officially and not as a stow-away or an asterisk. And she'd made a good enough argument that Senator Wen actually considered her "petition". Of course having Fargo and Holly support her recommendation put more weight on it, after threatening the former with physical pain and convincing the latter that having a handsome genius as the poster boy for Astraeus would do wonders for the space program in general.

She just didn't expect that his first inclination would be to leave…rather than stay for the mission…and _her_.

Stop! She physically swatted her arm this time. _Stop putting yourself into the_ _equation!_ She was berating herself. _You purposely kept your distance, right? You purposely kept him at arms length, remember_? Even with the current "friendship" they have, she kept her walls up.

Just so she could save herself from any pain like the one she was feeling now. And it was probably going to hurt even more when he finally leaves.

She closed her eyes and took a few more moments to compose herself. Then she slammed both hands on the table and sat upright in her chair.

Might as well get this over with.

She called Zane on her phone "Hey Zane. Can you come down to my office as soon as you get to GD? I have papers for you to sign."

Then she slumped down, leaned back and closed her eyes again.

The irony was, painful as it's now proving to be for her, she does not regret pushing for that pardon.


	2. Chapter 2

"Sign here….and here…and initial here" she pointed out the appropriate blanks that needed his signature.

Zane's hand shook a little as he scrawled on the sheets of paper. He hoped Jo didn't notice and if she did, he was glad she didn't say anything. He never thought this day would be possible, and the magnitude of the moment wasn't lost on him. He just wanted to act cool about it.

"…and we're done"

_Just like that?_ He let out a short laugh as he put the papers on her desk. "So that's it? It's official?"

Jo nodded "Full and complete pardon"

"Wow." Typical Zane to express the breadth of his emotions in the fewest words possible.

He turned "Thank you very much Jo." Sincerely.

She responded "Forget it." Sincerely.

He strode over to her holding cell, remembering many a days spent in it. "You know, it must be a sad day for you though…"

She caught her breath as she followed. Did it show?

"I know how much you love locking me up."

She let out her held breath and allowed herself a smile as she leaned on the cell frame. "Oh I still can if you misbehave."

He moved in closer "Only if it's in your turf. I can go anywhere now. I'm a free man"

Jo tried to be nonchalant with her next statement even as her heart beat so fast she felt she was close to a heart attack "So does that mean you're leaving?"

Zane was inching towards her "Maybe." He drawled. "Who knows. And if I do, this could be the last time we see each other"

Zane's gaze went from her eyes to her lips. When Jo saw the look of desire and longing he gave her, she lost it. She closed the distance between them with a searing kiss, pushing his shirt off while his hands started working on her shirt buttons.

She pushed all thoughts and fears aside. She just acted on the need to feel connected to Zane still.

They tumbled into the cell in a flurry of clothes and hands and moans. 

* * *

><p>Minutes later, while trying to catch their breath, Jo got a message on her comms.<p>

"I…I need to go. Trouble with Tiny at the BCE site." She made a move to stand only to have Zane pull her back.

"Wait."

He kissed her again, deep, warm. She wrapped her arms around him and returned the kiss, slow, savoring.

Her comms beeped again.

She sighed against his mouth and moved her hands on his chest. "I really need to go Zane."

She pushed herself up and started getting dressed. Zane watched then stood behind her, peppering her neck with small kisses as she fumbled with her shirt buttons. He reached in front of her and unbuttoned the last button she had just worked on.

She grabbed his hands, turned and kissed him full on the mouth. Before Zane could deepen the kiss further, she pulled away. "I really need to go."

And with that she walked out of the cell and out of her office.

Zane' smirk left his face. As he put on his clothes, his thoughts turned serious. He hadn't planned on this but hell, he'd been dying, hoping to have Jo in his arms again. To feel her mouth on his, her mouth on his skin, her hands in his hair…She even initiated it, with hardly any pushing or pulling from his end. Was she really saying goodbye?


	3. Chapter 3

When Jo reached the BCE site, Henry's question flustered her.

"And where have you been?"

"I was tangled with Zane…with his thing….with his pardon thing."

She felt the blush on her face but she couldn't help the little happy note on her voice. On the way over, she held on to the good feeling she had over their impromptu "session". If it was the last, it might turn into a sad, poignant memory later on, but for now, she wanted to hold on to the delightful afterglow just a little while longer. It might get her through the day. 

* * *

><p>As Warren left her office, she couldn't help but feel frustrated. The "Three's Company" reference may not have helped Warren's assessment of Carter and Allison. Leave it to DOD to have a "relationship expert" in their payroll. What did they know about relationships? Not that she was any expert either, but damn they to determine who should or shouldn't be together. Carter and Allison deserved their happy ending.<p>

Her eyes strayed to the rack of wedding dresses in her office. She had talked Henry and Grace into letting her plan their wedding. She needed the distraction, especially today.

She grabbed the nearest wedding dress and put it over her suit, humming the wedding march. Every girl dreams of a big, splashy wedding, don't they?

"New uniform?"

The voice startled her. She hastily removed the dress and hung it back on the rack.

"No, ah, I was helping Grace plan her wedding." She moved to sit on the edge of her desk, folding her arms in front of her. She was struggling for control over the fluttering at the pit of her stomach. Mentally she was thinking _"Don't let him get too close. Don't let him get too close please."_

Zane looked around "She doesn't seem to be here."

"Yeah. But you're still here." Jo prayed he didn't notice the glimmer of hope in her voice.

"Well, I heard you had a close call at the agi lab…" _Damn, was that really concern on his face?_

"So do you need anything? Like a rake or some weed killer" Yup, trust him to turn concern into a joke.

She shook her head and forced a smile "No, I'm good."

He moved in closer. Shit.

"Well…so, guess this is goodbye then." She shifted restlessly on her feet.

Jo mumbled a reply.

"Again" he said with a knowing, hopeful smile

Oh, what the hey. "Yeah, I guess so" she replied softly, silently giving him the go ahead…to move in closer for another searing kiss. All thought and reason was again set aside as he pushed her down on top of her table.


	4. Chapter 4

Zane was looking around Henry's garage. Jo had transformed it into a white wedding wonderland of sorts. That she was able to pull this off given the day he knew she had was nothing short of…

"Amazing!" Vince said in a soft voice beside Zane.

Zane turned "Huh?"

Vincent nodded to the direction of Jo across the room. "Jo's amazing isn't she?"

"Yeah. She is." Zane answered in a soft voice.

"I knew you thought so." Vince replied, which made Zane take his eyes of Jo and look at him instead.

"So I heard you got your pardon today. That's great. Jo really pulled that off.

But is it true you're leaving Eureka? That would be a shame. People around here would miss you…"

"I doubt that" Zane mumbled, putting his thumbs in his pockets in his instinctive "I'm-cool-I-don't-really-care" stance.

"Ok, maybe not a lot of people" Vincent conceded "but there are those who would miss you more than others."

Zane didn't say anything.

"But you know what I would miss? I would miss not seeing how some things could progress…."

Zane didn't know what to make of that.

Vincent was looking at Jo as he continued "We always saw Jo as the tough Enforcer. It seemed nothing, or no one, could crack through that invisible armor of hers. Then at some point, I saw a change in Jo. I couldn't put a finger to it at first. It was like she lost something that meant a great deal to her. She was just so…sad. Almost all the time."

"Then she started to smile again. I mean really smile. Especially when she was with you." As if to emphasize the last word, Vincent looked at him squarely in the eyes.

Zane looked at Vincent with slight surprise, not for what he said because he knew, he saw that change in Jo, but that Vincent noticed. Not that Vincent wouldn't have, he _is_ the town gossip.

As if reading his mind "Aw cmon. Aside from my amazing culinary skills, I pride myself in being highly observant." Vincent put his hand on his chest as if insulted – which Zane knew he wasn't. If any, Vincent seemed to be enjoying this unexpected conversation.

Vincent leaned in a little closer as if to share a secret "You've been smiling more often too you know."

Then he looked down and shook his head "So like I said, it's a shame if you leave. I would have wanted to see another happy ending."

Carter called over his shoulder from the makeshift buffet table "Hey Vince. Do you have anymore pigs-in-a-blanket?"

"For you, sheriff, of course I do." And with that Vincent scurried away.

Happy ending. Jo definitely deserved that. After all she's been through. But did he?

At that moment, Jo turned to him…and a big smile lit up her face. It was as if she answered his question. – _yes, you do._

He returned her smile, and started walking towards her. Warren's words were ringing in his ears

"Respect for the past…joy in the present…commitment to the future"


	5. Chapter 5

"Respect for the past…joy in the present…commitment to the future"

As Zane walked towards her, she remembered Warren's words during the ceremony.

"Hey." Zane greeted softly as he reached her

"Hey yourself."

"You think after the reception we could maybe talk a bit?"

Jo hesitated "Zane…"

Zane put a firm hand on her shoulder. "Jo, I am not going to take no for an answer. I'm going to hold my breath until you say yes."

Jo threw her head back and laughed. "What are you? 12?"

Heads turned to their direction as Jo's laugh is not a common occurrence.

She looked down, shook her head then smiled at Zane, both at the memory of the first time she heard those words and Carter's nugget of wisdom - "people are the same at the core".

"Fine Zane. We'll talk."

Zane let out a breath and Jo's eyebrows shot up. Did he seriously hold his breath?

"But you need to help me and Vincent clean up first"

Henry and Grace walked over to them. Grace pulled Jo into a warm embrace. "Jo, thanks again for putting this together. It really was perfect."

"I'm glad you liked it. Sorry for being the wedding-coordinator-from-hell earlier."

Grace laughed as they pulled apart. "That's ok. We really appreciate the effort."

Henry chimed in "We really just wanted a simple ceremony. Just us and our friends." He put a hand on Zane's shoulders. "Thanks for being here Zane"

Zane understood. Henry and Grace were letting him know that he was considered a friend, their friend.

Then Grace turned to Henry and said "You know what Henry. Let's leave the garage as it is." She laughed at Henry's look of horror "Just for a while anyway. Even just the weekend"

Henry let out a sigh of relief and leaned over to kiss his wife. "Ok. At least for the weekend" He then turned to Jo "You don't need to clean up Jo. You've done so much already."

Then he added "At the rate Carter is eating Vince's pigs-in-a-blanket, there won't be much food left to pack up anyway."

Grace reassured her "We're all good here Jo. All good."

Jo knew what they were trying to do. Leave it to her friends to push, subtly or not.

"Ohh-k. If you guys are fine here then I guess we can leave now…"

Grace pulls her in for another hug. "Be happy Jo." she whispered.

Henry shook Zane's hand "I'm not saying goodbye to you just yet."

Jo and Zane waved to the others as they made their way out of Henry's garage. They knew, with the exception of Warren and Holly, that every one else in the room was hoping they could somehow work this out. They looked at each other and hoped so too.


	6. Chapter 6

As they exited Henry's garage, Zane said "We'll take my bike."

"Where are we going?"

"You'll see."

Jo sighed. She'll just see where this leads. She took the helmet Zane held out to her, and took her place behind him. When she put her arms around him, there was no hesitation or distance. Just a familiarity as she tightened her embrace. She could have sworn he "mmmd" before starting the motor.

She left herself enjoy the ride. Arms wrapped around Zane, the exhilaration of speed, anticipation and uncertainty all rolled up into that ride to a destination unknown.

With her eyes closed in contentment, she was slightly startled when Zane stopped and turned off the motor.

"We're here." he said

She took off her helmet, and in the darkness it took her only a moment to recognize where they were. They were in front of Zane's cabin in the woods.

This was Zane's happy place. She knew its significance to him. This must be some talk they were going to have.

Zane unlocked the front door and gestured for her to go in. He felt for the light switch by the door before closing it after himself.

"It's a little messy. I wasn't really planning on coming up here."

Jo rubbed her arms as she felt a slight chill.

"Let me get a fire started."

Jo walked around the cabin while Zane worked on the fireplace. It looked pretty much the same as she remembered it. Her eyes rested on a few pictures hung on one wall.

Zane's voice came from behind her. "So I see you've met my grandmother"

Jo reached out to touch the picture on the wall "Funny I don't remember this picture being here before..."

"Come sit by the fire Jo. It's warmer there."

Jo turned to see that he had a nice fire going. He had also taken out the dust covering from the couch in front of the fire.

She went to one end of the couch and took of her shoes. She kneeled on the couch and sat down with her back to the armrest.

She put her hands on her knees and looked at him earnestly. "So let's talk."

Zane sat on the other end of the couch. He seemed to agree the distance for now was necessary.

They just looked at each other for the moment. Neither one wanted to start, each lost in their own thoughts. They both knew that whatever gets said tonight will set the course for the rest of their lives.


	7. Chapter 7

Zane spoke first "Why haven't you asked me to stay Jo?"

"Because you probably would. Stay I mean. If I had asked." She answered softly. "Would you?"

He grinned. "Yeah, I would if you had asked. I wouldn't for anyone else."

Jo sighed and looked away. "Which would mean to me that you…(she chose her word carefully)…cared."

Zane was surprised "Isn't that what you wanted?"

"I thought I wanted my Zane back. I thought I wanted what _we_ had back or my old life back….well…" she admitted with a small smile "except maybe being Head of Security which has been so cool so far."

"But I can't, can I? I can't have any of those. They're all in the past. And I have to leave them there." Thinking back to the words from the ceremony earlier "And just respect them for the memories I have of them. I am what I am today because of it. But that's all they can mean to me now. Memories."

Jo paused a bit before continuing "And I didn't want to be unfair to you."

"Unfair?"

"You're not some piece of meat Zane." Had she been talking to Henry? Zane thought.

"You had your life before I came back from 1947. However the state of that was and however you had lived it, that was your choice. And your feelings were yours alone.

So when I came back and there was no us anymore, I made a choice as well. I sucked it up and kept my distance. And I was miserable.

But I didn't want you to feel obligated to have feelings for me. I didn't want you to know what we, or at least, the other we, had.

As I had expected, when you found out, you might think that if we meant something to each other before, we're supposed to mean something to each other now. I didn't want that hanging over your head."

Then I was protecting myself. I was scared. I'm still scared. Once our "spark", as you aptly put it, was ignited, I'm afraid to see where it would lead..."

Jo took a deep breath. She'd said so much already, might as well let it all go.

"I didn't think it was possible to fall in love with you all over again. I thought I loved you already. And I'm just as surprised that I've fallen harder and even deeper..." Jo's face was glowing. She'd finally said it out loud.

"Of course I want you to stay. But I am not going to ask you to. Because I don't want you to make that as an excuse. It has to be your choice Zane."

That Zane was so quiet made Jo as little uneasy. She pulled her knees up and hugged her legs tighter, steeling herself for his response.

"I'm…I'm…I'm sorry Jo."

_Oh God. She put herself out there and here it comes. This really was goodbye._

The tears fell before she could stop them.

He moved in close, put his hands to her face and wiped her tears with his thumbs.

"I'm sorry I couldn't stop myself from feeling the way I do about you.

I admit I was curious at first. You were such a puzzle to me that I thought I had solved. I knew all the buttons to push. I knew what reaction I could get and when and how. Until you came rushing in to my jail cell last Founders' Day telling me you'd marry me. And when you went to bat for me with General Mansfield. And when you kissed me at the Sheriff's office…and it felt like I could, I should be kissing you for the rest of my life.

And when you started letting me know, little by little, about our past, I felt I had to compete and catch up with the other me. Because I wanted what he had – _you_.

Call me selfish but I want all of you."

He looked over his grandmother's picture on the wall.

"Never before, with anyone, did I think I would ever want to have what my grandmother had with my grandfather. But she gave me her ring so I guess she knew that was possible. Even for me. But only with you Jo. Only you.

He held her face in his hands and said, in all earnest "I'm yours Jojo. If you'll have me, if you'd let me, I'm all yours.

Let's work this out, see this through. I'm…I'm scared too. Hardly anything freaks me out. But you do. In a really really good way.

That must be love, right?"

Jo looked into Zane's eyes and saw all she needed to see. There was no going back now. Just a happy ending to look forward to.


End file.
